I have given this post way too much thought.
My hesitation came mainly because some of my readers are too young to have even tried to conceive, and it is not my intention to scare anyone. Even though miscarriages are very frequent, please understand this does not mean that it will happen to you too!
This is an InsideOut Beauty and Lifestyle blog.
Inner beauty is about letting our past experiences make us better. Life is about gains and losses, smiles and tears, sunshine and sunsets.
We're meant to experience them all, and hopefully grow in the process :)
The overwhelming feelings of numbness, loneliness, sadness, guilt and frustration after a miscarriage are beyond words.
But it is bearable, and if you're going through this yourself or someone you love is, maybe my story may help you cope or understand.
Many people may be of the belief that because the child was not born it was not 'real', and hence the loss may not be so difficult for the mother. It's understandable. To the mother, however, the baby was real.
A mother loves her baby from the moment of conception. There are plans made, names thought, dreams of holding that baby. A miscarriage means the experience of both emotional and physical pain for the mother.
When I miscarried my first pregnancy last November 2012, to my surprise I found the best support online on YouTube and Google. Had it not been for those brave and generous women that opened up publicly to share their personal experience with me, I would have felt a lot more confused, alone and lost in my pain.
Thank You, to all of them.
This is my story...
My husband and I are planners.
We have always respected the idea of bringing a baby to this world so much.
As a professional woman, I waited for a while.
I wanted to find the perfect time in my career before I tried to conceive.
And of course, one day we both realized there would never be a perfect time to conceive...
So, we took the leap of faith... and love.
This will sound unbelievable to some, but I knew and felt pregnant little over a few days after conception.
Yes, even before I had a positive pregnancy test, I just knew.
Two weeks later a positive home pregnancy test confirmed it:
It was happening!
I remember we even filmed a short video with our phone with the purpose of showing it to our baby one day... the first instants of his/her existence.
A day later the lab's blood test confirmed the amazing news too.
The following 4 weeks, while we waited for our first baby scan a lot of dreams, expectation and love built up.
And then one morning, 3 days before my birthday, I woke up with a little spotting.
Implantation? I wondered, and the doctor at the clinic suspected it could be that.
She still ordered an early scan, just to be sure everything was ok.
The emergency scan didn't show anything... anything at all.
And they said it was mostly because it was indeed a very early pregnancy.
My husband and I returned home from the clinic more calm and confident that there was nothing particularly worrying about the situation.
That afternoon, I started having heavier bleeding, cramps and pain in my right ovary.
At that point it didn't look normal to me at all.
But as the Doctor had told me earlier, if you were loosing your pregnancy then there is nothing to do.
You don't quite want to realize it is happening to you.
In my mind, until that day, I imagined a miscarriage would be similar to having a normal period, only a little worse, I thought as the Doctor had minimized the experience.
That night, my husband and I were having dinner at my parent's house.
I had not shared the pregnancy news with them yet.
Our plan was to make the big announcement on my birthday, at the end of that week.
As we were having dinner, the pain on my right ovary became excruciating and extended towards my right knee.
My face transformed as the pain increased.
My Mom and Dad started asking what was wrong.
I could barely walk at that point, and was starting to worry...
Couldn't keep it a secret anymore.
I made them all sit down on the living area and said: "Mom, Dad... we have some news to share with you. But I'm not sure if they're good or bad news, at this point".
After a couple of congratulations that I quickly interrupted expressing my pain & concern, we left to the ER.
At this point I could barely breathe and had started panting heavily.
The panting was something I could not control.
By the time we got to the ER, my entire body was shaking.
The pain was continuous and had not stopped, not even for a second, for the past hour or so.
If I was feeling that amount of pain, there was no chance my baby was doing well.
The pain only stopped after the Doctor gave me some medicine.
It made me smile again when the extreme pain that had been causing me to shake involuntarily, was under control.
The Doctors tried to minimize everything and didn't want to confirm if the pregnancy was lost.
They wanted to wait until the hormone curve indicated that, and suspected a molar pregnancy.
I was so shocked by the whole experience and in clear denial.... just couldn't bring myself to believing this was happening.
I was hospitalized for a day and a half approximately... and my hubby didn't move from my side.
He is amazing... always.
The physical pain was gone.
After 3 lab tests, we finally got confirmation that the pregnancy hormone was going down.
In other words, we had lost our baby, our dream, our pregnancy.
You would think or hope that a miscarriage ends once you leave the hospital...
But the emotions connected with it and processing this loss, would only appear a few days later.
After the hospital, there comes further studies, recovering physically from anemia, understanding what went wrong, dealing with uncertainty and a natural sadness.
Don't be sad for us... we made it through... and we're better people because of this.
We now know more things about life, about ourselves, about our marriage.
And all those things we learned are positive things.
I'm also aware that many other couples have experienced the same or even more dramatic losses.
And to my surprise, this is a very frequent thing and in many ways we were blessed by how things turned out for us.
I guess, we're all meant to go through tough times from time to time (as well as good times)...
Why not us? Loss is a part of life... and it does make you appreciate gains more.
All good things come to an end, they say, but the same is true for bad things.
I am a different person now. There is a before and after a miscarriage. But after almost 5 months of an emotional roller coaster, I now feel ready to start trying again...
Even with the uncertainty ahead of us, I choose faith.
I will be writing a second post this week, to share with you exactly what I did on the last 5 months to overcome this life experience...
I wholeheartedly hope my story will be helpful for some of you.
Keep smiling. Keep dreaming. Have faith.
I know I will :D
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